Update - The Roller Coaster

Thats what it feels like. A roller coaster. Up and down, good and bad, joy and tears.

This past week we decided to stay home in the mornings to make sure mom went to clubhouse, in good shape. Monday was fine. Tuesday, fine. Wed, fine. Thursday...not so much.

I had a big meeting so hubby stayed home with her and took care of the um, troubles. I told him, why do you get her a doctors appointment this afternoon, I will come home, let you go to work and take her in. We'll get her cough checked out and I will see about the paperwork that Medicaid needs for long term care. Long term care doesnt mean placement...it can, but it doesnt have to be. So, he did.

I took her to the doctor that afternoon. Well nurse prac actually, but she is soo kind, and so gentle. I really am loving her. She checked mom out, listened to her lungs again, and then I told her about the paperwork. She said of course. Sat down with us (its a HUGE packet!) and went over it all with me and mom. She's so sweet. We were answering some of the questions, its tough me to admit how bad it really is.

She said, you know she shouldn't be alone, ever right? I said yes, but what am I supposed to do? We can't afford in home help, I cant not work (then where will we live?) and thats the point of this application, to get either an in home waiver or "something else" is what I said. She patted me on the hand and said, I know... and I HATE this disease. I HATE not being able to DO anything. I said, well join the club, and we had that tittery laughter, you know where its laugh or cry? So now I need to get back with mom's medicaid caseworker. Everything seems to take forever, but I know its God's timing.

Prayer need

Last night I noticed that I don't think Mom recognized our youngest daughter. She had this odd look on her face, kinda like "who is that" and "I should know, do I ask or not". I've also noticed her giving our daughter some pretty nasty looks over the last couple of weeks. This is not my mom. My mom loved those girls to pieces. But, it concerns me. I know the stats, sometimes they become violent, but not always. Mom has been compliant the whole time, but I know that as they get more confused and forget people, sometimes they lash out because they don't understand.

I pray protection for my kids every day, anyway, but now I need to add from her. Not that I think she will be mean to them, but she might. Logical thought is gone, as is understanding. Please join with me in extra prayers of protection for the girls, and all of us, even her. We need it.
Thanks,

Its so fast....

The decline. Its so fast. They call this disease the "long goodbye" but it seems to be fast. My mom isnt really there anymore already. She cant do the things that even mentally challenged people can do, like get dressed right or clean up. Its really sad, yet I know there is nothing I can do other than do the best we can.

I've made some progress on paperwork for a facility, yet with life and work its so hard to get everything done. I hope to get the doctors appointment in to get the medicaid long term application filled out this week. I have left messages for her caseworker, but as with everything, its a waiting game.

Jimmy pointed out that it really is like having a 2 or 3 year old again. Only you cant teach her. So the problems are just that, problems, with no resolution to them.

She was sick last week, and I was out of town. She had a psych appointment that morning, but was too sick to go so I had to reschedule it. I like the doctor, but one of the problems with seeing a county doc is well, they are booked 3 months in advance. so she cant get another one till July.

I had to catch a plane to go to Denver, so J had to take her to the nurse prac to get her checked out. Sinus infection was all, but infections can really cause havoc in this disease. She was totally out of it for several days. Still not back to "normal" from it and its been over a week. Bless him, she had an accident at the doctors office, but at least she had depends on. He really is an awesome husband.

Yesterday she was finally able to go back to clubhouse, and seemed to enjoy it. Today I woke her up to get ready and she had two depends on. It made me chuckle, bless her she is trying. But you have to take the used one off, I told her. Oh she said. So we are cleaned up again and she went to put her bra on, but she already had her shirt on. So guess what? yep, over the top. This is a sign of a new stage, and it while it breaks my heart, I under stand what Angie Dickenson said on CNN the other night...you pray that its fast...so they dont have to be like this long. :(

Sun is peaking through!

Thank you, everyone who has prayed. I know you are out there and praying for us, just as I know God has us in his hands. I told you he'd take care of it.

I started calling and emailing contacts for information. During that time, I found out that just a couple of weeks ago MS changed how they calculate medicaid eligiblity. Looking over the numbers, I cant see how she could possibly be denied this time. Reading the requirements, I cant see how she would be denied the insurance part OR the long term care she's going to need pretty soon. From in home help to facility, whatever the doctors deem most appropriate. I found the scoring form and formula for scoring, and based on what I know about her I can't help but think they will probably deem her eligible for 24/7 care.

So its a waiting game now.

She's had two good days since our terrible experience, even talking and recognizing people and participating at church wed night. That's good. I like the good days.

I also like not smelling poo when I walk in the door in the evenings. So thank you God for both!

Came home to a terrible terrible mess

And my sweet husband cleaned it up while I was outside trying to not to puke. Thats enough info, mkay?

But seeing how bad it was, makes me realize that mom doesnt need to be at home alone period. However, I cant do anything about it. I have to work. Jimmy has to work. We have to have a house to live in, and food to eat. God will provide away out of this. I know he will.

However, after much introspection and much prayer tonight, I think its time to call a care home, and see what the admissions process would be like. I am fortunate to know someone who works at a great one, and she's given me some names.

As you know, mom has nothing. no medicaid, and she doesn't qualify for medicare yet. I can only pray that God moves in the situation. I cant. He has to take care of this. He's taken us this far. He loves me, he loves my mom, he loves my family. He will make a way.

Jesus Hold Me NOW!

Long time no blog

We've been in kind of a holding pattern, nothing much new.

I found out all my crazy stuff was stress, and that tiny muscle in my neck was causing the headaches and dizzy spells. Crazy huh? I'm working on that. I found a way to get out of the house to help, painting on canvas at a place in town.

Mom is hanging in there. I've had to get her to start wearing disposable undergarments, because she needs them. I hope this prolongs us having to change any of her routine. Medicaid STILL hasnt ruled on her Nov application. Everything takes so long to do!

My daughter's wonderful understanding (mom has alz) teacher quit two weeks ago. Its been a tough transition for my child. She is the first person in her life to just go away suddenly.

Wow... month has past, and what a crazy month

So I took mom to the doctor, she's hanging in our version of "normal".

Found out her "issues" were b/c she'd been eating chocolate again. I swear. I'm going to have to start pining a note to her like a kindergartener. ALLERGIC TO CHOCOLATE.

My aunt wasn't doing very well so I couldnt take mom to see/stay with her at Christmas. My sweet wonderful awesome hubby said he'd stay home with her and let me take our kids to see my dad and stepmom, grandma and the rest of the family, just after Christmas.

We stayed a few days and the girls had a great time. Like having Christmas all over again.

And we started home. An uneventful trip, until we got about halfway in. 2 1/2 hours from home, 2 1/2 hours from my dad's. The kids needed to use the restroom so we stopped, and while we were walking around the store, I had this terrible attack of dizzy/faintness and nausea. Scared me! I felt terrible, ended up calling my hubby and 911. The EMTs took all of us to the hospital (did I mention I was in nowheresville??! ) Hubby calls the calvary as he puts it, the nearest fam was 45 mins away (bless you sweet cousin, for dropping everything and running!) She came and sat with the kids, while I was checked out and finally diagnosed with inner ear problems and given a shot. Hubby got there ( and my dad!) about the time they were letting me out. Another cousin lived close too and she was there as well. Nice to know you have family that will drop and run for you. :)

Came home, and felt better after a couple of days, and New Years Eve a tornado went over our house. Wow that was scary! But the house was ok, we lost a tree and part of the privacy fence, and it landed on a neighbors shed. But it could have been soooo much worse.

The next weekend we had an ice storm. Yeah thats our weather. Tornados one weekend, ice the next. This whole time I had some "spells" and went back to the doctor who thinks I have inner ear sinus stuff and some stress and anxiety. You think? Naw, what could be stressful about a family, small kids, a mom with EOAD and a tornado a full time job with too many job duties??! He gave me a self depression test, and while I have some signs, his words were "you arent over the edge yet, and coping pretty well" this is coping well? Dang. I'd hate to see not coping well!

Then the next week I had a terrible spell, back to the doc, this time he said I was also having migraines. yeah, thats awesome. So now I carry to scripts in my purse for these "attacks" wow, I totally feel like a southern woman now. ;)

But, the worst part is, now I am scared I'm going to have an attack, be alone and it be really bad. So now I'm having panic attacks. Yeah, 2011 is starting off to be a GREAT year, let me tell you.

I think I figured out whats causing the migraines and dizziness stuff tho, I think its a muscle. I was reading about neck and shoulder muscles and how they can cause the symptoms I'm having...and I have a lot of pain in my right shoulder/neck area, I think from my desk at work. So looks like I'm going back to the doctor with that, and the panic stuff. Its so scary...I hate it.

So far the only things that calms me back down is my hubby, my girls, counting backwards from 100, and quoting scriptures. Like, I lift my eyes unto the hills, where does my help come from?

And you are my strong tower...lifter of my head...all sorts of verses about God's strength, jumbled up, just whatever comes pouring out at the time. The some of my favorite songs come bubbling up... Holy holy holy, is the Lord God Almighty etc. Today I started two new books, crazy love, and Jesus Calling devotional. They are perfect. I found out that when the Hebrews said Holy Holy Holy...that was reference to God's perfection. So when I sing that song, I am calling on his perfection in my time of weakness. Had no idea I was doing that...but now that I do, thats pretty stinkin' amazing.

I had a crazy panic moment in the walmart the other day. I was by myself, and I felt the familiar ear pressure, and was "afraid" I'd get dizzy and puke again. So I started breathing hard. It was all I could do not to shove the cart into the freezer counter and run. Flight of fight in my case is totally flight. But I managed to breath through it..and made it to the checkouts, where of course, the line is 4 people deep. Great. Last think I need is to stand in line. When, all of a sudden, new line opened. Wow...THANKS GOD! You were watching for me then! I wasnt #1, but I was #2, and the lady infront of my had an adorable little girl, about 9 months old. So I started playing with her. yeah, I was the crazy woman in walmart playing with a strangers baby, but it was keeping me from losin' it aight??! Peek a boo etc while the lady was paying for her stuff. Thank you JESUS For that baby. I made it through that one.

I cant keep having these...its frustrating and scary. I found out my church is starting a new thing called "living free" that meets on Tues night. Tomorrow is the first night. I am going, I need some more Jesus to get through this. In my weakness he is strong.

so if you have a good verse, or a good quote, or any tips for panic attacks, do feel free to leave them here or email me. I need 'em.