End of the Journey

Momma, about 2009

March 28^th 2018.  My mom was set free from her trapped brain & body. 

Let me go back a bit….

June 2017.  Mom’s doctor calls me to let me know that he’s found what he thinks is 3 tumors on in her breast.  The C word.  Cancer. They can’t be certain without more tests, but he’s 90% confident she has breast cancer. 

Breast Cancer. Early On Set Alzheimer’s.  Crohn’s.  Poor body can’t catch a break. 

Mom and I talked about all sorts of things before she was too far gone in dementia to communicate any more.  There was ONE thing we didn’t talk about. 

You guessed it.  Cancer.  No woman that I knew of had ever had breast cancer in her family. There had been a couple with lung cancer that I knew of, but not like some families.  Seems mental issues were more common in her family than cancer. 

I had no idea what to do.  None. The doctor and I talked about all the options.  I’ll be blunt. They all sucked.  She had no way to understand what was happening to her, how could we explain any surgery or treatment?  She loved to walk, how I could I put her in the bed and take away the *one* thing she still did?

There have been a lot of hard decisions on this walk in the dark, but deciding not to treat cancer was by far the hardest.  After all, that’s what we do, right?  Treat it.  Fight it. Try to beat it. 

But I just couldn’t.  I decided, with input from family and friends not to treat it.  For the next 8 months, there really was no change.  She still walked, she still ate, she had the best “quality of life” that was possible in her condition.  The staff did a great job keeping her as pain free as possible.

February 2018 she began a decline, wanting to sleep more and needing more pain meds. 

March 19, 2018 they called me and said she’d had more pain over the weekend so they started her on a pain patch, but she was still eating.  When I visited after that call I couldn’t wake her up.  I told her I loved her and to be a peace…but it was hard. 

March 26, 2018 the nurse who was there the day I admitted her, called me tell me she stopped eating.

Early in the morning of March 28^th, I had a dream. She woke up and talked to me and said she wanted to go home.  I told her “Well, go on then! We will be ok, besides, Aunt Cathy will be there with some chocolate pie and you can eat it in heaven cus you won’t be allergic” and she replied “Alright”. I woke up and told Jimmy about it and said, I think it won’t be long. A dear friend of mine remarked later, when its time for me to go if someone mentions chocolate pie, I'mma be like see ya!

March 28^th 2018 8:11 am.  The nursing home called to tell me they thought time was near. I let work know I wasn’t coming & talked to my brother.

March 28^th 2018 9:05 am – we were on our way out there when they called to tell me she had passed away peacefully. 

My husband and I arrived at the building.  The staff was so sweet to us both.  They had the room emptied, azaleas had been picked from outside and in a vase on her bedside table. Music playing.  We stayed with her until the mortuary came and got her. I thought I was prepared, I knew she was in a better place and no longer suffering, but I wasn’t.  I had said goodbye several times over the years because she didn’t know me, couldn’t communicate etc, but it was different this time.  They invited us back to a memorial service that they planned for April 5^th. 

We went to the mortuary to handle business, and turns out the funeral director in Mississippi shared the same first and last name as mom’s first cousin who would help me bury her in the cemetery where most of her family is buried in Alabama.  To me, it was a little hug from God that I was still – even though they were hard – making the right decisions. 

That night I dreamed of my grandmother.  She’s left us Dec 31, 2015.  In my dream she gave me the biggest hug.   I miss her so, and her hugs. We were in the living room of her house, and I saw pictures of Uncle Don, Aunt Cathy and some others of the family who had gone on already but those were the two I remembered when I woke up.  I remember hearing her say she loved them all and "there are many rooms".

The next few days were tough, I won’t lie. One daughter was out of town and I didn't get to tell her until Friday. Friday was also our other daughter's first prom. Easter we were all worn out and tired and it was the 2^nd anniversary of my MILs passing so we stayed in our PJs and watched our church’s Easter service live online. 

April 5^th the chaplain of the nursing home had the sweetest service in the living area of the building.  The residents who could all came. Many dressed in their best skirts and shirts and carrying handbags.  It was so beautiful how much they loved mom. The staff all attended.  It was very sweet. 

That afternoon we all traveled to Alabama.  April 7^th, we held her memorial service and then laid her to rest next to her sister. There was a lot of family we hadn't seen in years, some we see often, and friends who came to the service.  It was bitterly cold, unseasonably cold for after Easter.  The dogwoods were blooming, so it must have been dogwood winter. 

Until that night, the hardest thing I’d ever done was stand next to my MIL at my BIL’s funeral and read her prepared remarks in her ear so she could repeat them to the audience, because she couldn’t see her writing through her tears.  That has now been moved to number two, replaced by the walk from our car to the gravesite carrying my momma’s ashes. 

Gravesite, Spruce Pine, Alabama

I know in my heart she’s whole, and free (and probably eating Aunt Cathy’s chocolate pie, and maybe  some chicken tenders too) but there is still a hole here on earth. 

Here is a link to the tribute page I put together for anyone who’d like to donate in her name to help find a cure. This disease is terrible, no family should have to go through this, no loved one should have to walk this path. End Alz Tribute Page

The out pouring of love from friends and family near and far have given me great strength.  Its amazing how a text, a meal I don't have to think about, hugs and warm thoughts really do help. 

The doctors, nurses, aides and other staff at the nursing home are truly angels on earth.  I have no idea how they do that job day in and day out with such love and care.  I wasn't a perfect daughter, but I always tried to make decisions in the most kind and loving way I could.  Fly hi mom....

Momma, 1969

Obituary in Jackson paper

Obituary in Alabama Paper

I'll fly away

Amazing Grace