Our church had a simulcast of Living Proof Live. When the tickets went on sale, I bought two. One for me, and one for my mom. But I didn't want to take her. I bought the tickets before I had my "moment" with the doctor. I tried to give hers away. No one wanted it. But a friend of hers wanted me to call her. We talked about taking mom, and I decided to take her with me.
The topic was Kindness. I'm nice and all. But sometimes, I'm not very kind. ouch. Wow. She used Proverbs 31 (again, ouch, perfect woman I am not!) verse 26.
"She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue." (NLT)
or with much better umph, King James Version: "She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness."
The law of kindness. We went on to talk about what the law of kindness meant. Its hard to be kind to people you don't think like you. I didn't think my mother liked me very much at the time. But, I decided, I'd work on kindness.
I was so stressed out about my mom, and work, and money. We had used up all of our "cushion" just trying to help take care of her the best we good. I knew looking at the figures, that we'd be in serious trouble by the end of October. I was so stressed out and in self pity I was a wreck. I didn't know I was a wreck, but I was. I felt like God had abandoned me. My mom didn't love me, and we were on the edge of disaster. I didnt realize just how down about it all I was.
Every where I went the answer was No. Can you help me help my mom? No. She's not old enough. She needs to be 60. 65. 62. never under 60. What do you do? I called, I begged, I pleaded, and I tried to turn it over to God, but just never was successful. I thought I was. I guess looking back, part of me didn't think I deserved His help. I mean I knew He was a big God, but there are 6 billion people on the planet, most who are in a lot worse shape than me and my family. Why? Why would help me? He didn't seem to be moving.
Then Sept 26 arrived. The kids were feverish and hubby didnt feel good either. So Mom and I were the only ones to go to church. She sits with her friends, and we usually sit towards the back so the youngest doesnt distract. But this day I was sitting alone. Our preacher preached on breakthroughs. He said he felt like God wanted to move in someones life, but that person wouldn't give it up. I knew that I knew that that was me. I hadn't REALLY given it to God. I didn't REALLY trust him to take care of us. I'm not an in public kind of girl. Normally I wanted trusted friends to pray for me. I never go to the front. I did that day. We have several ministers and prayer warriors down front during our services...I nearly ran to the first open minister. Bless him, I couldn't even tell him want was wrong. I just said over and over that I couldn't do it anymore and I needed God to fix it. He prayed a beautiful prayer over me, and had no idea what was wrong. But he didn't need to know. God did. Then he asked if I would go with a lady that had walked up. She was so sweet...I was able to tell her what was going on. She has a Sister in law with this terrible disease. How about that? God had her in the right place and right time. She helped me form the prayer to really and truly give this burden to God. I felt for the first time that I did. I was lighter. I was filled with the joy that I had lost. I had ZERO worry. ZERO. What a change.
The next Friday Social Security called me and told me that mom had been approved. They said it would be November before she received any funds. They said I'd have to apply for Medicaid.
God had other plans.
That Sunday I went and told the lady what had happened...how fast God moved when I stepped back and quit blocking him. I'm not saying he couldn't do it with out me, but I really think he was waiting on me to realize that he had my back...and to REALLY believe it. Faith. Once I had the faith, it was almost like He said to me, You got it! Good JOB! Now, watch this, and see what I can do.
Tuesday, I received a letter stating she was approved for Medicaid and it was retroactive for three months. I didn't have to reapply or anything. It was just there.
Tuesday night I went back to my bible study. We talked about idolatry, ouch. Idols aren't just "things" but can be people (family) or emotions (worry) sound familiar? God spoke so clearly to me...worry was your idol. You laid that down and came back to me. And look...trust me, I'm taking CARE OF YOU, my child. The Love of God overwhelmed me. We were talking about the love of God, and how we know in our brains that even if each of us was the only human, God still would have sent his son, for just ME. One of the ladies said she had heard a speaker say... the church is the bride of Christ...do you hear that? God loves you so much that he wants you to be Mrs Jesus. Wow.
That Wed I went back and told the pastor what had happened after laying down my worry and how fast, and bold and BIG God was showing up....and the joy, he shared my story with the church. And since then I've had countless people talking about going through similar times of lack of faith, and how I (little ole me) sharing my story helped them. I'm glad God can use it. All things for GOOD! Glory! I cant hardly stand myself these days I've so much joy.
Thursday, less than one week after SSA called me, I received her first funds. Not a lot, but enough to set up her account, take her shopping for some new clothes (which helped her mood a lot).
I'm not perfect. Only Jesus is. I'm not finished, Not till I get to heaven. But if I can just grow a little, in small steps toward him, (or big leaps, in this case) then I'm headed in the right direction. We've still got roadblocks. But now I see them as speed bumps. Because GOD he's got this. He can do a much better job than I ever can. And he loves ME. And he loves my Mom. And he can take better care of her than I can. He will equip me with the ability to take care of her for HIM.
Thank you Jesus, for being who you are and loving me in spite of myself.
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