Since I updated. But I really don't have anything to add.
Its still surreal, to know mom has been at the nursing home for over a year.
When I visit she's glad to see me, but after about 15-20 mins she asks me to leave.
It is beyond hard. Makes me not want to go. I don't go as often as I should.
Its JUST SO HARD.
She's in fairly good health though, participates in all the activities that she wants to, and seems to enjoy being around the people there. I guess that is something to be grateful for, even if its hard that she seems so different. She doesnt want to talk even on the phone anymore. Everyone says "at least she doesnt beg to come home" and I guess that is true, but it doesnt make it any easier that she seems to not want to be around me, either.
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
Saturday, January 19, 2013
What a year.
I was thinking this morning about the last 12 months of our lives.
Its been how you say, difficult. long. hard. rough. But through it all, God has been there.
I was reflecting on the journey, and trying to remember the places, times, people that God sent to us.
Since this time last year, my mom's disease escalated. She wandered away. Police were called to find her.
She was admitted into geri-psych. She was placed in a nursing home. She's adjusted well. My father in law died of a heart attack. The estate was settled. I was sick for three weeks with what we thought might be West Nile, but turned out to be a virus of "unknown type". My brother in law died of a drug overdose, just last weekend. That is still up in the air, and I won't publish details because there is a legal battle brewing. There are details in between the lines of this paragraph that would provide enough fodder for at least two or three lifetime movies and or books. Maybe even a series of books. Seems like everywhere I turn there is pain.
There have been good things too. In the last year I went through a leadership program at work, which taught me a lot about myself. During that, I met an amazing young woman, who then introduced me to some more amazing women that I know have my back. My ladies bible study is a rock in my life, and I am thankful that she invited me to the first one. I also lost almost 40 pounds, because I joined First Place for Health at church and God used it to help me get on track, and overcome the depression that had me in a deep dark pit. I have grown closer to other women in my life too, and I cherish their friendships. I have a support system in place that God knew I'd need. Here I thought it was for my mom, but it ended up being for SO much more. I've stopped things too. I dropped being a Girl Scout leader because of my pro-life convictions. I stopped playing bunco, which while I enjoyed the "girl time' it was just too much in my schedule, plus I felt God was telling me I needed more 'home' time. We went on a great family vacation, which we desperately needed thanks to my father in law.
I can look back and realize, that somethings happened with my mom so that I could be a help to others. A dear sweet lady is a little further behind me on her walk with her mom, and we have been able to help each other a lot.
My brother in law dying was tough. His funeral was one of the hardest I've ever been through. Partly, because I could see the raw pain of loss from an unnecessary cause, and partly because I could look at others in the room, family, family friends, and realize that they too may take the same exit that my brother in law took because of their addictions. A lot of things have been said, a lot of actions taken, and while its easy to say its the people, I can tell you with out a doubt that its the devil, he's at work in that community and family and has a grip on so many with their addictions. I hope, I pray that the light of Jesus will shine on them, and that they are freed from their addictions, in Jesus name, but unless they WANT it it won't happen.
A coworker/friend of mine told me yesterday that he admired my strength. I don't FEEL strong. I feel Jesus. He's the strong one. Thank GOD that his mercies are knew every morning, and that he provides the grace and strength we need to get through. Except for the grace of God, I could be in the same pit others are. I've had a LOT of things happen to my family in the last year. Just as easily could be me addicted to some medication.
I take comfort in many things, that God works all things for good for those who love God and are called according to his purpose. Maybe, I'll never see the good that comes out of the situation we are currently in, but maybe, like I have seen with stuff with my mom, I will see it. In just the last week, there have been so many things to show us that God's still here, he's still protecting us, and he's still got this. Maybe someday I can blog the details publicly, but right now with the legal proceedings I cant. But believe me, he's there, he's alive, he's real, and he loves me. He loves me, he loves you, he loves us all. Even people in a deep dark pit with darkness surrounding them, and their actions straight from the pit of hell - because that is what our fight is. Not with a person. Not with people, but with the powers of darkness. And I know, that truth will win. God DOES win, Good overcomes, and light makes darkness flee.
Armor up. The Fight is Won, but we still have to prepare.
Its been how you say, difficult. long. hard. rough. But through it all, God has been there.
I was reflecting on the journey, and trying to remember the places, times, people that God sent to us.
Since this time last year, my mom's disease escalated. She wandered away. Police were called to find her.
She was admitted into geri-psych. She was placed in a nursing home. She's adjusted well. My father in law died of a heart attack. The estate was settled. I was sick for three weeks with what we thought might be West Nile, but turned out to be a virus of "unknown type". My brother in law died of a drug overdose, just last weekend. That is still up in the air, and I won't publish details because there is a legal battle brewing. There are details in between the lines of this paragraph that would provide enough fodder for at least two or three lifetime movies and or books. Maybe even a series of books. Seems like everywhere I turn there is pain.
There have been good things too. In the last year I went through a leadership program at work, which taught me a lot about myself. During that, I met an amazing young woman, who then introduced me to some more amazing women that I know have my back. My ladies bible study is a rock in my life, and I am thankful that she invited me to the first one. I also lost almost 40 pounds, because I joined First Place for Health at church and God used it to help me get on track, and overcome the depression that had me in a deep dark pit. I have grown closer to other women in my life too, and I cherish their friendships. I have a support system in place that God knew I'd need. Here I thought it was for my mom, but it ended up being for SO much more. I've stopped things too. I dropped being a Girl Scout leader because of my pro-life convictions. I stopped playing bunco, which while I enjoyed the "girl time' it was just too much in my schedule, plus I felt God was telling me I needed more 'home' time. We went on a great family vacation, which we desperately needed thanks to my father in law.
I can look back and realize, that somethings happened with my mom so that I could be a help to others. A dear sweet lady is a little further behind me on her walk with her mom, and we have been able to help each other a lot.
My brother in law dying was tough. His funeral was one of the hardest I've ever been through. Partly, because I could see the raw pain of loss from an unnecessary cause, and partly because I could look at others in the room, family, family friends, and realize that they too may take the same exit that my brother in law took because of their addictions. A lot of things have been said, a lot of actions taken, and while its easy to say its the people, I can tell you with out a doubt that its the devil, he's at work in that community and family and has a grip on so many with their addictions. I hope, I pray that the light of Jesus will shine on them, and that they are freed from their addictions, in Jesus name, but unless they WANT it it won't happen.
A coworker/friend of mine told me yesterday that he admired my strength. I don't FEEL strong. I feel Jesus. He's the strong one. Thank GOD that his mercies are knew every morning, and that he provides the grace and strength we need to get through. Except for the grace of God, I could be in the same pit others are. I've had a LOT of things happen to my family in the last year. Just as easily could be me addicted to some medication.
I take comfort in many things, that God works all things for good for those who love God and are called according to his purpose. Maybe, I'll never see the good that comes out of the situation we are currently in, but maybe, like I have seen with stuff with my mom, I will see it. In just the last week, there have been so many things to show us that God's still here, he's still protecting us, and he's still got this. Maybe someday I can blog the details publicly, but right now with the legal proceedings I cant. But believe me, he's there, he's alive, he's real, and he loves me. He loves me, he loves you, he loves us all. Even people in a deep dark pit with darkness surrounding them, and their actions straight from the pit of hell - because that is what our fight is. Not with a person. Not with people, but with the powers of darkness. And I know, that truth will win. God DOES win, Good overcomes, and light makes darkness flee.
Armor up. The Fight is Won, but we still have to prepare.
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