I spoke too soon....

I write with a heavy heart tonight.

I wont go into the details, but something happened tonight that makes me very sad.

I dont know what to do. I dont know what I should do, and even if I did, I wouldnt know where to start.

Please pray for us. I don't know why God has us on this heartbreaking, heart wrenching path. I'm not sure I'll ever know. This may sound crazy to some, but I am thinking this is some attack from the evil one to keep me from a greater purpose. I know that we are in a battle with the oppressor...and it seems like every time I have some sort of spiritual breakthrough in my own life, something gets worse with mom. Does that make sense?

I saw a friend post this on her facebook page today "You dont always get answers for what happens, because sometimes the answers were not for you, but a lesson for someone else".

As I'm down about what happened, and not sure what the next step is, I think about a sweet little girl who went to be with the Lord, 5 mins after her fourth birthday started....from terrible cancer. And I think, well, this isnt THAT bad. I read her caring bridge site today... the site where her mom wrote about their journey. I dont know this little girl, or her family, but the pain at losing that baby was so real and raw..as was the joy at knowing she is in the arms of Jesus now and had the BEST BIRTHDAY PARTY EVER. I am reminded of my precious daughters..their beautiful healthy faces...and thank the Lord he deemed me worthy to be their momma.

But this is bad. Even though I seem to be moving through the steps with the take charge get stuff done attitude I tend to have about everything.... I'm a mess. My mom, is fading. Even though she was holding steady for a couple of weeks, she's fading. And there is not one dang thing I can do about it. Not one. Just doing the "right" things does nothing but try to take care of whats left. I cant pick up the pieces, and even if I could, they wouldn't fit together anymore.

I get numb...numb to the changes, its the only way I can hold it together sometimes. It's not that I don't care...its if I do then I will fall apart. Then I get angry. Angry because its the center of our lives. Angry because I couldn't go home for thanksgiving...angry because if what happens tonight becomes common, I wont get to go for Christmas. I cant burden my elderly aunt with this. Angry because as much socialism has taken over this great country...my mom falls through the cracks. Angry, sad and upset because its NOT FAIR. But life isnt fair. It wasn't fair when my beloved Jesus was beaten battered and crucified...because He loves me. And even when its bad, even when its dark and I don't know whats coming, at least He's with me. If it wasn't for the grace and strength that comes HIM, I couldn't walk this path.

Worried, I'm not. Which is new for me still. But now I guess I get to work on these other faults in me.

Its been awhile..

Since I updated.

We are just hanging in there. The meds seem to be working on and we are back to "normal" I suppose. Or the definition of normal as we have it.

I had to go out of town for work last week, my husband said it was normal then too.

I'm having trouble getting her to keep her compression sock on right, which is a big deal with a blood clot. I cant tell if she can't remember she's supposed to wear it, or if she doesn't remember why/how.

I took her shopping so she could buy some christmas presents. She seemed to enjoy that. I pretty much had to suggest and/or direct her to things that the kids needed or wanted, but she still seemed to enjoy it.

Last week while I was gone, the lady that does the nails came back to clubhouse...mom got a french manicure. Haha. the nails look good but she says they "drive her crazy"

Weekend before this one that passed, our oldest daughter had a robotics competition about 1 1/2 hour away. We were able to get my MIL to come down to stay with mom, I didnt think she would be able to handle the near 16 hours ordeal after all was said and done.

Sunday was the christmas program at church. Our oldest daugther was in it and we all went to watch one of the performances. I think mom enjoyed that, but its hard to tell these days.